03 January 2008

In The News

In yesterday’s news:

Republican nomination hopefuls Mitt Romney, the evolution-denying Mormon, and Mike Huckabee, the evolution-denying evangelical, are the two front runners for the US Republican Party nomination in Iowa. While both claim evolution is a fiction perpetuated by the Devil, they both refused to have last year’s flu jab this year because the influenza virus has mutated.

Meanwhile, Saskatchewan’s economy is booming thanks to surging exports of potash, oil and uranium. That’s right folks, Saskatchewan is just letting everyone know that North America has it’s own Siberia.

In Drugs policy, Richard Brunstrom, the chief constable of North Wales, said that the drug ecstasy is safer than aspirin and should be legalised along with heroin and cocaine. Government ministers disagreed, saying that drug use should be punished in all cases except those involving Labour Party soirees or their children.

Boom-boom time for emergency services, emergency services officials complained that they were four times busier on New Year’s Eve than they are on a normal night. They also complained that frostbite is up in winter, sunburn is up in summer and the Pope has a higher than average risk of injury from incense inhalation.

Also, Paul McCartney had angioplasty to improve blood flow to his heart, which had atrophied during his recent acrimonious divorce from Heather Mills McCartney. Mr McCartney apparently feels there is still room for a few more silly love songs.

Overseas, two British expats in Algeria were sacked for “sheep violation” of animals destined for sacrifice on the Muslim holy day of Eid. They committed the acts after being asked what they did for fun in their native Wales. “Good thing we didn’t name any of the sheep Mohamed,” said one of the men.

In today’s news:

On the corporate kindness front, UK supermarket chain Tesco was awarded the Christmas Scrooge award for sacking Alan Rowbothan from his £6/hour job for picking 20p off the floor and Nicola Fryer because her 13-year-old daughter tried to use her 10% staff discount card to buy a 20p malt loaf. Also, employees of a Brighton Tesco were being docked 80% of their Christmas bonus for wearing gloves and jumpers because the store where they work had become uncomfortably cold. Meanwhile, the top Tesco executives pocketed £26 million in Christmas bonuses, more than any other FTSE 100 company, proving that “receiving is better than giving” and that “every little helps”.

In US politics, the dash for the Republican Party nomination is heating up. John McCain is being held back because he has shown himself to be the most reasonable candidate, a major departure from his standing as a right-wing crazy in the 1990s. But McCain hasn’t changed, it’s just the rest of the Republican candidates that are in cuckoo land. Mitt Romney is basically a Mormon version of George W Bush. Rudy Giuliani is an angry man with an uncommon drive. He wants to replace Saudi oil with Midwest coal to screw the Saudis and the planet; he wants to continue to torture people to screw what’s left of the US’ reputation for human rights; he wants invade Iran to screw the Middle East, and he wants to keep health insurance unaffordable for many American to screw the poor. Mike Huckabee is basically the same, except he is a Bible thumper who doesn’t believe in evolution but does believe in invading Pakistan.

Back in the UK, more Britons are addicted to fast food than even Americans. 45% of Britons said they “like the taste of junk food too much to give it up”, topping the 44% of Americans who agreed. While London may have the Michelin stars, the average Brit is trying to look like the Michelin Man.

On the transport front, the government wants to double the number of passengers using rail by 2030. To help realise that vision, rail companies have hiked fares by as much as 14.5% to ring in the New Year. This comes on top of a 7.3% rise on 2007, an 8.8% jump in 2006, and a 7.2% gouge in 2005. By 2030, rail fares will be three times what they are today, so presumably the government expects higher rail ridership to come from the bling factor: “I is so rich I can ride the train”, or the snob appeal, which the same, only more grammatical.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Jools Constant said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

14 March, 2008 07:55  
Blogger Jools Constant said...

One item you missed. Leona Lewis is in Africa for Sport Relief, blubbing uncontrollably at what she calls 'the most distressing and terrible thing I have ever seen!'

I guess she hasn't seen the video of the X Factor finals yet!?

14 March, 2008 07:57  
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30 March, 2008 11:00  

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